Political mass-debate? What a load of wank.

Is there anything as pointless as watching a politician debate? It’s up there with telling Silvio Berlusconi of the merits of monogamy or teaching Steven Hawking basketball. In fact, not only is it pointless, but it is painfully dull. Hell, even watching His Holiness Barack Jesus Mohammed Buddha Obama got a bit tedious after a while. But the mentality of US election coverage at least makes it interesting when the nutters on Fox are let out of the mental hospital. Our politicians are so damn boring and inane that it becomes impossible for even the most avid fan to pay attention for long. Even Cameron’s Eton chums will get bored after a while and decide to chase a fox to get a stiffy.

 In the absence of any real merits for a debate between candidates, I have a number of proposals that would prove a superior test of skill, as well as being relatively entertaining.

Rap battle – Seeing as political debates are all about sound bites now, we might as well go the whole hog and have a rap battle with all three candidates beating out some rhymes. G to the B to the Brown ft DJ Cameron ft Coolio Clegg.

Who would win? None of the 3 main candidates have any real rapping credentials. (I’m one letter away from a lawsuit there) Brown’s gruff Scottish accent doesn’t lend itself well to the genre, Cameron’s posh background eliminates any possibility of him talking about life in the hood, and Clegg, well no-one knows anything about him so he gets the benefit of the doubt here. However Brown and Cameron do have previous in dissing each other.

Hole in the Wall – It’ll test the candidate’s ability to think under pressure. What is a better test of how someone would react under the pressure of nuclear war than hearing the words “Bring on the wall” and having to fit into whatever shape needed?

Who would win? Brown’s larger physique moves him out the running, in a competition where Cameron is the clear winner due to years of changing shape and policy to whatever is needed.

UFC – What with dastardly Putin posing in that manly posture of his, Berlusconi being attacked by a statue, and Bush skilfully dodging shoes, we need a PM who can handle himself.

Who would win? Brown holds the advantage here, with his body clearly built for wrestling, however Cameron’s years of buggery at Eton may have taught him some underhand tactics.

Let Chuck Norris decide – No need for any of us morons to choose, the only man able to cut through the crap should pick. Chuck Norris would actually make a better PM than all however, and shows how irrelevant the leader actually is. For all the PM can do, the economy will only sort itself out when Chuck wants it to.

Who would win? Society. Democracy may have given power to the people, brought human rights and justice to millions, but compared to rule by Chuck Norris it’s a disaster.

Put them in the Big Brother house – Need to put the whole candidate list in, but what better example of democracy at work than BB? Fiver says Nick Griffin ends up in bed with Galloway

Who would win? Well, this is a trick challenge, as what the contestants don’t realise is that we shut off the Big Brother house, and fill it with flesh eating zombies like in Charlie Brooker’s superb Dead Set. As a result Big Brother is ended perminantly, and all our Prime Ministerial hopefuls are eaten alive. What more could we ask for?


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