Beckham let down by team-mates

"The perfect example of our Aryan race" - Nick Griffin

Inter 2-0 Milan

Inter Milan seemed to have another Scudetto in the bag, as they led Serie A with their customary lead and their rivals slipping up every two seconds like Steven Hawking ice-skating. Interisti were already beginning to plan their celebrations for this year. However they forgot one factor, the return of Milan legend David “Golden Balls” Beckham.

Last year Beckham made such an impact on Milan that he fitted straight in the team despite barely any training with the team and such was his importance that Ancelotti unbalanced the team just to accommodate him. Many great players have come in and transformed a team, but none can match Beckham’s instant impact. Mere mortals such as Maradona or Roberto Baggio had to train first, but Beckham was such a superb athlete that he was included in the first team at the expense of loyal servants who had played for and trained with Milan for years. Despite playing with deadwood such as Paolo Maldini, Ricardo Kaka’ and Alexandre Pato, Beckham was able to drag Milan into a respectable 3rd place. If only he joined at the start of the season, Milan fans lamented.

So with his name etched in the list of Milan legends: Franco Baresi, Marco Van Basten, Gianni Rivera, Gunnar Nordahl, Nils Liedholm, Ruud Gullit, Frank Rijaard, Giovanni Trappattoni, David Beckham (offical list), he rejoined again this year. Men weeped at his return. Women climaxed at the mere mention of his name. Children sported Beckham hairstyles. Milan were in crisis again, and the greatest living Englishman was the only person to sort out the crisis.

Upon his arrival he was placed straight in the starting line-up, out of position in attack instead of Pippo Inzaghi or Klass Jan Huntelaar. Despite playing in attack for the first time in his career he put in such a performance that Milan spanked their rivals Genoa 5-2 and was described by Football-Italia as having put in a “fantastic and versatile performance”. Victories over Juventus and Siena followed, with Beckham the key player in both matches. The Beckham revolution was succeeding.

So when Inter came into view, the Curva Sud didn’t feel any fear. Why would you when you have Golden Balls on your side? Useless minions such as Alexandre Pato and Alessandro Nesta were out, but this was an insignificant setback, as Milan had Beckham in top form. But while Beckham played out of his skin, even creating a chance, his team-mates timidly surrendered, and Milan fell to an embarrassing defeat. Only Beckham could walk with his head held high.

In light of Beckham’s impact on Milan, the first player in history to officially (according to ESPN) become a legend in just half a season, I think it would only be fair to rename AC Milan as AC Beckham the Mighty. In fact, Serie A should be renamed the Beckham league (feat. Jose Mourinho). Italy should be renamed “That country Beckham and his gorgeous wife spend half their time”.

All hail King David.


Was she paid for this shit?

The terrible earthquake in Haiti (for which donations can be made here) has left thousands dead, homeless and distraught. But while the news is filled with images of the people affected, the media has gone into overdrive, each using the disaster to prove their beliefs. The Guardian and other left leaning media have been filled with commentaries criticising the economic problems that left so many Haitians living in shacks which contributed to the disaster. Anti-imperialist blogs such as Lenin’s Tomb have criticised the apparent American intervention in the country, where opportunity beckons. But the strangest commentary is this blotched job by Stephanie Gutmann. Not content with the Telegraph’s incredulity that anyone could every question America’s motives which are clearly so altruistic, she, somehow, uses this as a passionate defence of Israel and criticism of Palestinian rights campaigners.

It starts of in cheery fashion, insinuating anti-Semitism is at work in criticism of Israel: “Clever people the Jews… oops, I mean the Israelis.” Wow, the old anti-Semitic card, never heard that one before.

Then a devastating attack on critics of Israel’s breach of international law: “but the Israelis, operating with their usual disregard to the niceties of law”. The comparison between giving aid to Haitians and the flagrant abuse of international law in oppressing the Palestinians is just so logical! Obviously such minor abuses of international law don’t really mean much when you take into account the 220 people sent to help.

But not to worry, we have some more accusations of anti-semitism “However, that has not stopped Jewish…er…Zionist propagandists”. Phew, I was lacking my fix of an accusation of racism, there hasn’t been one for, well, 4 paragraphs.

After proving the assault on Gaza wasn’t disproportionate in any way, she adds: “The word “disproportionate” in this case refers to the fact that this country of 7.5 million has sent 220 people, compared to say, China, which as of last week had sent 60.” They sent more people than the Chinese government? Wow, sending more people than a dictatorship is a really flattering comparison. But why China? I notice Robert Mugabe didn’t send any people at all, perhaps she could show Israel’s altruism by mentioning that? I mean, if you’re going to compare yourself to a dictatorship to prove a point, you might as well choose a really shit one?

But now the crux of the argument: “Great,” said someone identifying himself as ‘Smart Alex’, “I just hope the IDF soldiers don’t harvest any of the dead Haitians’ organs without the permission of their families. “I know, I know,” he wrote, “that was a cheap shot. But I believe well-deserved for a country that tries to use its U.S.-funded humanitarian efforts as propaganda to paper over its disastrous and vile treatment of the Palestinians.” A clever fellow and brave too! It takes guts to make such a deduction and publish it from behind the cover of a moniker like ‘Smart Alex’. Naturally this ‘Smart Alex’ speaks for every Palestinian supporter. Such intellectuals such as Noam Chomsky or Norman Finkelstein are just small fry compared to ‘Smart Alex’.

But while this article is nothing better than the tripe Richard Littlejohn comes up with, what makes it even funnier, is that this whole article was written in response to ‘Smart Alex’. Gutmann asserts the left are making these accusations, but provides no examples whatsoever. The logical conclusion is that such sentiments don’t exist, at least outside the minds of idiots who are rightly ignored. But she isn’t even demolishing a strawman. Instead, she went on the message boards, found an idiot and decided to write an article rebutting him. This is a “quality” paper, with one of their top journalists, who is paid to write an article rebutting a random dick on the internet.

So next week I might go on the BBC message boards, find a random fud complaining about the number of foreigners in this country, and write an article rebutting it, getting me a job as a top columnist. Easy.

Sadly Gutmann didn’t write an editorial piece extoling the virtues of the Palestinians when they gave aid to Haiti. It’s almost like she has an agenda.

The Ticking Bollocks Scenario

Torture’s a pain in the arse isn’t it? Literally for some unfortunate sods. But some people can’t get enough of it. These people are either raving “libertarian” wankers such as Alan Dershowitz, or estranged emo kids “going through a phase”. In order to realise their dreams of seeing more brown people in orange jump suits waterboarded, these neo-cons have come up with an age old argument justifying torture: the ticking bomb scenario. Unfortunately for them it is just that, a scenario, not based in reality. Obviously in 24 it saves America every 2 seconds but that is just about it. As far as the evidence shows, there are no real attacks that have been prevented by torture, nor any that could have been prevented by torture. Torture advocates always come back to this example, but it is a loaded one.

So lets look at the example of the scenario provided by the BBC:

  • A terrorist group states that it has concealed a nuclear bomb in London
  • The authorities have captured the leader of the group
  • He says that he knows where the bomb is
  • He refuses to reveal the location
  • Torture is guaranteed to produce the information needed to ensure the authorities find and make the bomb safe

Therefore it is a choice: torture one guilty man to save thousands of innocents, or do nothing and let them all die.

The underlying moral problem is this: what is worse? Torturing one man or letting thousands die? It is a stark choice to pick the lesser of two evils, the answer obviously being torture. If you are anti-torture, therefore you are pro-mass murder. That is the subliminal message to this, and that is how they win the argument.

Using the same moral logic, you can justify just about anything. For example if someone has captured you family and will kill them unless you kill one of the scum of society. Obviously some/a lot of people would agree to kill the man and save the family. However, does this justify murder? Of course not. Yet the same as the ticking bomb scenario it presents the same moral issue. Commit a crime for the greater good?

The probability of this situation, however, is so unlikely it doesn’t warrant debate. As said, there is no cast iron evidence of an example where torture has stopped a terrorism attack. What does stop an attack is sensible foreign policy to prevent extremism occurring in the first place, support in the communities and intelligence agencies who work together and not in competition. Take 9/11. This would not have been prevented by torture, it could have been prevented however by better inter-agency co-operation. 7/7 wouldn’t have been prevented by torture, nor the Madrid bombings and so on and so forth.

So lets take the scenario step by step:

  • A terrorist group states that it has concealed a nuclear bomb in London”

Possible. If you substitute nuclear bomb with a conventional weapon it certainly seems likely. However, there are still problems. If the “terrorist group” is ready to “state (sic.) they have a nuclear weapon, they would surely be prepared to withstand an attack on the group. Any competent terrorist cell will work in a way that many of the members are unaware of the entire plot. As terrorists know a captured team-mate may be tortured, they prepare for that scenario, and so in a way that no one captured comrade can betray the whole plot. Even if the group is so incompetent (but still manages to stay invisible to the security services…)how many groups reveal their target before they attack? Al Qaeda claimed responsibility for 9/11 after the event. Terrorists do not do such things. Finally if, even after all the flaws in the logic, this still happened, the terrorists would announce this shortly before the attack, not 1 year in advance V for Vendetta stylee. To get the information and act on it, the leader has to crack in an incredibly short amount of time. Considering how difficult it is to break a true believer in the long term, short term is will be neigh on impossible.

  • The authorities have captured the leader of the group

This is another problem already in the scenario. This group has managed to stay hidden and free from infiltration for enough time to bring a nuclear weapon into the country, and then suddenly their leader is captured. The odds on this happening are astronomical, even ignoring the fact that the authorities won’t know who the leader is. Again, there is no factual guarantee that they have captured the true leader, or even someone who knows about the plot. There are no lawyers here, no innocent until proven guilty, just assertion of guilt. Obviously there is serious room for misjudgement. The scenario asserts that the terrorist group is unknown, so even more than usual the odds of false identity are increased. Only 13% of suspected terrorists detained under the “detention without charge” laws have been found guilty in a court of law for example. I’m liking these odds on having the right guy.

Look at the mistaken identity in the crisis of Jean Charles de Menezes. We like to think our security forces are incapable of mistakes, but sadly, they are not. Torturing an innocent in the belief they know where the bomb is ethically disgraceful, a political bomb, and a sure-fire way of not finding the nuke.

  • He says that he knows where the bomb is

What a fanny. He leads a terrorist group hoping to launch a nuclear attack, and then says “Here I am, now electrocute my bollocks”. Real likely.

  • He refuses to reveal the location

But he is willing to boast about knowing where it is? Oooooooooooo-k.

The key part now, the rest of the scenario is total bollocks, but this is the crux of the debate.

  • Torture is guaranteed to produce the information needed to ensure the authorities find and make the bomb safe”

This needs to be examined carefully to fully understand the fallacy.


Torture is guaranteed”

Common sense dictates that this is a major flaw in the argument. Firstly, will the guy crack? Torture does different things to different people. The weak give in and say anything to make the torture stop, mainly giving their interrogators what they think they want to hear. The strong resist.

The abuse just confirms to them that their enemy is wrong, and so their will is strengthened. Torture is not guaranteed. That is fact. Or again, look at Major Matthew Alexander, a genuine expert in interrogation, who says that torture makes the suspect “clam up” and therefore unlikely to give up the information.

to produce the information”

Some may break, and blurt so much out that the interrogator has no idea what is true. “Its in Picadilly circus, it’s in the houses of Parliament, it’s in a Fritzl style cellar”. The terrorist will blurt out half of London as the target before revealing the real one. How does the interrogator know which time he is telling the truth? Even if the terrorist does eventually crack, before then, when their resistance is still present, they may pretend to break, and give a false location. Is it that time? Is it the next time? The next time? Are the authorities going to deploy HAZMAT units every single time?

Some won’t break. If you torture someone and they don’t break, you have no options left with them. Even if they do say something, they may say where the bomb is, but won’t mention it is booby trapped, if tampered with it goes off straight away. They’ll say the minimum amount of information, which could prove even more fatal.

make the bomb safe”

Perhaps a minor point, but there is no guarantee that the bomb will be made safe. As had been mentioned time is a problem here, and if by a miracle the authorities reach the bomb before it goes off, it may not even be diffusible. If a terrorist organisation can build/ship in the bomb, odds are they’ll find a way to make it indiffusable.

Finally, there is one further point, not fallacy per se, but in testing the logic of the defender of the scenario. This takes the form of a counter example, where the logic is the same, but the situation is different.

It goes like this:

  • The British army has declared it will bomb certain schools in Bagdad they believe to be weapons factories. They are wrong and the attack will kill hundreds of innocent children.
  • Al Qaeda have captured the CO
  • He says he knows how to stop the air strikes
  • He refuses to say how
  • Torture is guaranteed to produce the information needed to ensure Al Qaeda find and make the children safe”

The scenario is neigh on impossible but the logic is the same, torture of one person (albeit “innocent” this time, the only difference [even if some would disagree, depending on which side they’re on]) to save hundreds. Surely if we are to torture the terrorist to save hundreds, we will then agree with torturing the soldier to save hundreds? Either the defender must agree with to torture in this scenario also, or say no, either due to pure belief that “one of us” shouldn’t be tortured (i.e. racism), or more likely, innocents shouldn’t be tortured. Under the latter admission the argument falls apart, as torture as a tactic inevitably leads to torture of innocents, and so to support torture they have to agree innocents have to be tortured for “the greater good.”

Or as Noam Chomsky puts it:

There is still much debate about whether torture has been effective in eliciting information — the assumption being, apparently, that if it is effective, then it may be justified. By the same argument, when Nicaragua captured U.S. pilot Eugene Hasenfuss in 1986, after shooting down his plane delivering aid to U.S.-supported Contra forces, they should not have tried him, found him guilty, and then sent him back to the U.S., as they did. Instead, they should have applied the CIA torture paradigm to try to extract information about other terrorist atrocities being planned and implemented in Washington, no small matter for a tiny, impoverished country under terrorist attack by the global superpower.

By the same standards, if the Nicaraguans had been able to capture the chief terrorism coordinator, John Negroponte, then U.S. ambassador in Honduras (later appointed as the first Director of National Intelligence, essentially counterterrorism czar, without eliciting a murmur), they should have done the same. Cuba would have been justified in acting similarly, had the Castro government been able to lay hands on the Kennedy brothers. There is no need to bring up what their victims should have done to Henry Kissinger, Ronald Reagan, and other leading terrorist commanders, whose exploits leave al-Qaeda in the dust, and who doubtless had ample information that could have prevented further “ticking bomb” attacks”

So sadly for sadistic fuck-wits such as Alan Dershowitz their little argument doesn’t add up. Leaving aside the moral aspects of torture, the knock on consequences accepting it or producing “warrants” for it, the propaganda is creates for terrorists et cetera, the argument that underpins the whole argument in support of torture is deeply flawed. Nice start eh?

Snows destroys modern science

Snow 1 - 0 Science

Not only has the snow fucked up transport, but peer reviewed science is still reeling from the rimming it has just received.

You see, a lot of these so called “scientists” believe in “Global Warming”. The most eminant scientists of our day have concluded with countless studies that the earth is warming.

However these scientists are idiots. Have they looked outside? It’s snowing! Clearly their years of experience and peer reviewed studies are demolished by every Tom, Dick and Harry looking outside their window and seeing snow. If it’s cold, then it’s impossible global warming exists.

Next week, population of Britain find fatal flaw in theory of evolution as monkey falls over.

George Orwell is Watching you

In George Orwell’s final masterpiece, 1984, Big Brother is always there. Whether in his flat or rogering his bird in the woods, Big Brother is always there. There is a similar omnipresence in today’s world. No, it isn’t Graham Norton on TV. It isn’t Americans in St Andrews. It isn’t even glory holes in public toilets. The only omnipresence in the world is mention of 1984 in political articles.

The use of the terms Orwell invented in his work is appropriate in describing the modern attack on liberty, yes. There is no question Orwell possessed superb vision in his description of a potential omnipotent fascist state. 1984 remains the critique of authoritarian power.

 However there comes a point where opposition to increased government power needs some form of originality. 1984 was published in 1949, over 60 years ago now, and yet it is still the first point every liberal makes in defence of liberty. You a bit of a libertarian? You getting a bit of a kicking in a debate? You want a way out? Use the “Orwellian” card. BAM. Debate won. It’s like the anti-Semitic card being pulled by defenders of Israeli aggression. Get out of jail free, every time baby.

But more than that, it is the staple diet of every lazy journalist looking to write an article on, well, anything really. John Pilger is very fond of this tactic. Pull a few of Orwell’s terms out, apply it to modern day politics, job done. A very quick search on liberal websites such as the Guardian pulls up this. The New Statesman pulls up this. The Independent has a really shit search function. Huffington Post this. Hysterically it was also used by the far right in America to oppose health care reform. You get the picture.

As masterful as the work is, do we really need it trotted out every time we want to make a point about liberty? It has almost moved beyond cliché that Orwell is used. 1984 is more overused than Jordan’s fanny Perhaps it’s time to move on.

BBC Attack Gingers

Ginger woman being demeaned in Dr Who by conforming to stereotype that all gingers are damn sexy*

Another attack on gingers has emerged. The new year was not yet one day old when the first firing shots came, aimed at the most oppressed people in Britain. It wasn’t from the usual source, fat kids who try to deflect their own lack of self esteem onto other people, but an apparent bastion of liberal values, the BBC.

In the Beeb’s flagship program over the holiday, Dr Who, the new Doctor in his first scenes attacked gingers with the disgusting line  saying he is “still not ginger“. Quite rightly 143 outraged viewers, probably all ginger, complained to the BBC.

I dread to think of the thousands of poor gingers sitting watching this apparent “family” program hearing this line (at the end of the program, obviously so the ginger insult is fresh in people’s minds when the program finishes, giving scum the chance to abuse a ginger) and dreading what was to come.

I call on gingers across the world to stand firm in their struggle against oppression. The BBC may feel they can insult us without consequence, but plans are already underway to get revenge on the BBC for this attack.

*Rumour may have been started by me.

Correcting Political Correctness

Putting these words down on the keyboard puts me in a dangerous position. Judging from society the job of defending “Political Correctness” is only beaten in the unpopularity stakes by Joseph Fritzl’s lawyer, just edging ahead of Robert Mugabe’s public image consultant. Most red-top newspaper readers have probably already been filled with rage at someone defending this vicious attack by minority groups to rule over us, as the poor, white middle-classes are destroyed by the fascist state who give all the power to the minorities who are feared so much etc. etc.

First of all it is important to understand what “Political Correctness” is. In the mind (sic.) of your stereotypical Daily Mail reader it is the transfer of power from white middle-classes to minority groups, especially the immigrants who come over here taking our jobs yadda yadda yadda.  These disgusting crimes committed against us have a general rule of reporting. Step one – Find a story at any cost. The favoured tactic here is the oldest trick in the media book; take a story horribly out of context. Take for example the “Baa Baa Black Sheep” story. One of the most infamous stories of “Political Correctness Gone Mad™”, the Express commented on this story by saying “One nursery school in Oxfordshire made children sing ‘Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep’ in the name of ‘equal opportunities’.” The story was covered by the usual crowd of shit stirring papers, the Mail, the Sun and the Mirror and soon the story passed into folk law. However one article from Private Eye seems to have gone unnoticed at the time, and I quote from the people behind the “offending” song “They sing happy, sad, bouncing, hopping, pink, blue, black and white sheep etc. This encourages the children to extend their vocabulary.” Strangely enough the papers failed to mention this, but why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The other way of inventing a story is to hear of a word being used to describe something in a different way. The best example of this is the use of the word chalkboard instead of blackboard. The papers heard about this change and jumped to the conclusion that it was changed to appease black people. In reality the change is in the language, with chalkboard being the American way of saying blackboard (as chalk is used on them…), fitting in with the rise of American phrases in our language, nothing to do with race but it fits in with the right’s agenda to pretend it is, and low and behold, ZOMG ITS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD™!!!!111!!! Next thing you know they’ll be banning our right to firebomb Muslims!!! In a previous edition of the magazine the “story” of Christmas being changed to Winter fest in Birmingham to appease minorities is taken out of context, as Winter Fest is just an advertising campaign. Its closer to Capitalism gone mad than “Political Correctness”. Add to the list of made-up stories the “you can’t say brainstorm because it’s offensive to epileptic” bullshit and it seems the four most famous examples of “Political Correctness Gone Mad™” are about as true as the rumour David Cameron is the father of his new child. So it turns out the story are non-entity, the first example being a method of improving children’s vocabulary and yet it was transformed into a story of hate, clear evidence of the media’s crusade to invent stories of “Political Correctness”. “You couldn’t make it up” the newspapers spout, well you can. And you have.

Abusing “Political Correctness” has become so commonplace that it has become a form of “Political Correctness” itself. Let’s actually face facts; “Political Correctness” doesn’t affect our lives in anyway, except idiots who claim to hate it enforcing it themselves. I’ll give an example: you’re in a lesson when you refer to “Brainstorming”. Apparently this is not allowed because of “Political Correctness”, yet I’ve never once been told by a figure of authority I can’t say it. I’ve sat in governmental meetings when it is used and no-one blinks an eye. But if you do it in a class, you are picked up on it. By your fellow students! “You can’t say that, it’s not Politically Correct”, “err, yes I can and no it isn’t. Fuck off.” The fact that the term is going to be published in ink here is evidence enough of the fact that you are allowed to say it. If people shut up about it for once it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Yet the people who claim to get riled up about the topic, become the very people they claim to hate. That is the real “Political Correctness”, criticising “Political Correctness”.

While inventing stories of “Political Correctness” is always a good way of selling papers, it is worth noting how the term is used to discredit actual attempts at equality. The Daily Mail and similar papers are some of the last bastions of white, middle-class hegemony, and will viciously attack any attempts to break this hegemony. Any legislation brought in to give equal (key word here) rights to minorities receives the same screaming response of “Political Correctness Gone Mad™,” “Government gives power to minorities” and the like. Being white and middle-class is one of the most prosperous positions anyone can be in, it is quite obviously easier to get jobs, education, and money if you are in this section of society, and yet people will complain when there are attempts to reduce the social divide. Anyone who seriously thinks that minorities have it easier than the white, middle classes is an idiot. Some attempts of positive discrimination may be misguided but ultimately they are designed to give equal rights to minorities, not for them to rule over us. The fight against “Political Correctness” is in essence the fight to retain the hegemony of the white middle class.

Ultimately decisions will be made by any party that will confound and bewilder people, but that’s life, deal with it. When it comes down to the crunch, “Political Correctness” does not affect your life, at least as long as you don’t let it. Getting worked up over tiny and insignificant details is ultimately pointless, and frankly there are far more important things in the world than this. And maybe, just maybe, people might find getting rid of racism is actually a good thing.

A version of this article was originally published in Caterham School’s Preview magazine.