What the fuck are people searching for?

Ok, this site doesn’t get a whole lot of traffic. In fact, no-one’s reading this, I’m just typing it out to sooth my ego. But the traffic I do get, well, I’m not sure if I want to get. Here are the top searches for my blog;

  • human head plaster cast – What. The. Fuck? I have neither written about this or a clue what this is.
  • new moral blatant of beckham – Moral what of Beckham? Who even thinks the Beckhams have morals, let alone a “moral blatant”
  • amanda holden hot ass – Ok, I did write about this. But seriously, get a life.
  • victoria beckham ass’s – Ass’s plural? How many does she have?
  • naked woman in public – Go to Newcastle on a Friday night there are plenty.

Thanks for reading my blog and all, but if you’re here for those reasons, erm, you need help.

Merlin the Magic Kapo

When Doctor Who isn’t on, the Beeb like to give us another Saturday night family fantasy program to keep us all amused. Robin Hood ended, or at least I hope it has, seeing as he died, so the current program of the season is Merlin.

For those who don’t know, Merlin is a modern adaptation of the Arthurian legend, of before he was Arthur’s companion and adviser, but when he was his servant. Or, as it comes across, bitch. Y’see, magic is frowned upon by King Uther, and so Merlin must hid his magic when saving Arthur’ pampered arse every two seconds. But for a light hearted family program, it creates a pretty poor job of making the good guys sympathetic. I’ve now decided to support the supposed “bad guys”, and here’s why.

1 – Arthur is a cunt. The future king of Camelot is an absolute wanker, there’s no way around it. When he isn’t showing off his pecks (which he does EVERY EPISODE) he’s being an arrogant dick. He’s the sort of pretty boy who thinks about himself when he wanks. But more importantly he treats the “hero”, Merlin, like shit. Despite the fact that Merlin does everything for him; cooks, cleans, jerks him off, he treats him in a manor I expect people treated their black slave in a 19th century sugar plantation. Arthur is meant to turn into a great and wise ruler, but he comes across as a stuck up, spoilt git.

2 – King Uther is a genocidal manic. As mentioned, Uther hates magic with a vengeance (after his wife died giving birth to a child conceived through magic) and the punishment for being magic is death. Uther actively hunts and murders every single person born with this ability. Now, think about this. Every single person born with a certain ability is murdered. Now lets change “magic” to “black” or “gay” or “Jew”. Uther hunts down and murders every single black person. Uther hunts down and murders every single homosexual. Uther hunts down and murders every single Jew. Yet, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT THIS BELLEND WHEN HE’S COMMITTING GENOCIDE. How many TV programs in support of Adolf Hitler have the BBC made? Moreover, Merlin risks his life to save Uther. That’s like a Jewish person continually risking his life to save Adolf Hitler, and then fighting the Jews who resist.

3 – The baddies are hot. Incredibly sexist, but a valid point.

Lady Morgana is breathtakingly beautiful, and, more importantly, doesn’t take shit from Uther. While Merlin is saving the ass of a guy who’d kill him the moment he revealed his true identity, Morgana thinks “fuck this” and decides to bring him down. You go girl!

4 – Merlin is a pussy. Ok, so this guy is an already powerful wizard, but is content to be Arthur’s bitch. What. A. Moron. Most normal people would use their power for good; sleeping with women, tripping over random old ladies in the street, making enough money to live in a drugged out stupor for the rest of their lives. Merlin uses his to save his own oppressors. The working classes has risen up against the type of humiliation he is forced to endure, and they don’t have fucking magic, so why can’t he?

The reason Merlin acts like he does is simple; he gets off on being dominated. This isn’t shown in the show, but when Merlin retires for the night he slips down his trousers and gentlely strokes the length of his organ while imagining being forced to lick the shit up off Arthur’s floor while being spanked for being a bad boy. Sadly though, this vital scene is cut out in the edit sweep.

So next time you watch Arthur, just sit back and enjoy the suffering Uther, Arthur and Merlin go through. Because they deserve it.

Ginger Stand Up

Blair’s Good Deed

There are some things you just don’t want to come back. The bubonic plague, Black Lace, flared trousers. On this list, at the very front, there’s one absolute wanker we don’t want back under any circumstances. An exception might be made should he be returned in chains, in the stocks, or have his head stuck on a spike on Tower Bridge, but otherwise it is safe to say that people do not want Tony Blair back.

Yet he returns. Fresh from his role as “Middle-East Peace Envoy” (I know) he comes back to plug his new autobiography. Naturally the 700 page epic doesn’t shirk away from the key issues; Blair sticks to his guns in defending his invasion of Iraq. Yet he does give on one surprising issue; the fox-hunting ban.

Blair’s reason is that “[b]y the end of it, I felt like the damn fox.” Sadly he hasn’t met the same end as the fox yet, although there is still time.

Yet the ban on hunting with dogs is one aspect of Blair’s reign that we should celebrate. I mean, it’s not as if he has much going for him, so why on earth give up on the good bits?

But I revisit the issue of fox-hunting for another reason; we’ve got chickens! Here are a few pictures of the birds;

They see me rolling

Haters gonna hate

I are serious chicken

Sadly with chickens comes risk; the fox. Such vermin, despite their ginger exterior, have hearts of the deepest evil. A fox, unlike many other predators, doesn’t only kill for food; it kills because it can. Such vicious animals put my beloved chickens at great risk. And it is for this reason I support the ban.

Opponents of the ban have two important arguments. 1) That foxes are vermin that endanger livestock. 2) That the ban has increased the number of foxes killed. Indeed according to the Countryside Alliance “[t]he impact of the Hunting Act has actually been that more foxes, deer and hares are being killed.”

These two arguments are given separately, yet when you consider them together, the argument flips on its head. It is a sweet, sweet irony that the fox hunting ban has benefited the opponents of the ban. If foxes are vermin who slaughter livestock, and the ban has reduced the number of foxes, then logically the hunting ban has benefited the rural community. Of course when you understand this it is only a short step to realising that fox-hunting is yet another form of animal cruelty, alongside cock fighting and bear baiting. But I don’t care about that issue, all I care about is my chickens, and the simple fact is my chickens are safer thanks to Tony Blair. So, thank you, Tony.