The Daily Masturbate – part 2

I’ve never really understood conservatives. I’m talking about the relatively sane conservatives, not the Tea Party movement in America or a comparatively batty equivalent. No, in Britain we have right wing conservatives, but they’re British right wing conservatives, which means they’re too polite to be too mental. Let’s face it, you’re not going to get Sir Anthony Wilson the Third complaining about what the proles study in school like the right do in America are you? But all the same, I’ve never really got my head around these contradictions.

One core tenant of conservatism is their traditional morality. So down with computer games, pornography and adultery, and up with family values, faithfulness and 60 year old whisky. But no-one quite likes sleazy pornography like conservatives. The Daily Mail is a great example of this. Conservative until the end, the Mail campaigns against this permissive society where children are taught about sex before the age of 35, and filth lines the screens of the idiot’s lantern. However, there is no newspaper that rejoices more in said filth than the Mail. Despite trying to give itself an image as a “quality” newspaper (whenever we have one of them tell me) the Mail still falls back to smut and garbage. So let’s have a look as this conservative moralism today, the 25th of May.

The Female section on the right hand side of the website is a good start. Let’s see how it progresses:

Cheeky Amanda Holden gives a glimpse of the derrière her husband had immortalised in a plaster cast

First link in and we have a picture of some ass. Nice. 6/10

Victoria Beckham shows off her tousled new bed-head bob at mobile phone party

A disappointing effort next. Plenty of moderately attractive women in dresses, but it would take some imagination to beat one out over that. 2/10

Rivalry, what rivalry? SJP steals show in hot lemon as Sex And The City stars dress up to the nines for world premiere of sequel

Another disappointing effort. Same as above. 2/10

Miley Cyrus sports a tiny polka dot bikini during a family break in Mexico with her country star father Billy Ray

Now this is more like it. Ticks all the boxes. Barely legal girl? Check. Tiny bikini? Check. Completely pointless? Definitely. 9/10

I’m so very sorry: Shamed Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson sobs as she apologises for letting people down

A valiant attempt to add a bit of spice to the story. Sadly Sarah Ferguson isn’t A) Attractive or B) Remotely naked in any photos, but the Mail do try and make things interesting by showing a picture of young women in skirts as they’re slightly related to Sarah Ferguson. 1/10, but a bonus point for trying, so 2/10

What’s this, the Garden of Eden? Naked woman in full bloom at Chelsea Flower Show (hope the Queen didn’t see)

Blimey, this is the jackpot. Naked women, but it’s “art” so the picture is justified. Get in the hole! 10/10. Also loving the “hope the Queen didn’t see” part. Well if she missed it I’m sure some irresponsible newspaper will show a picture to give her a second chance

Oversized funnyman James Corden stocks up on calories at McDonald’s after baring his belly in the park

Very poor effort. First they call James Corden a “funnyman”, which is scientifically inaccurate. Secondly there’s absolutely nothing to wank over. Third, there seems to be a women in a bikini in a later picture, yet they didn’t get a full frontal of her. The author must be new to the Mail. 0/10

Coronation Street star Samia Smith shows off toned post-baby body

I don’t think anything needs to be added here. 8/10

What’s new Pussycat? Nicole Scherzinger is joined by four new members as PCD unveils a brand new line-up

Some might say this is just another attempt to show attractive women in little clothing, but I have it on good authority that Daily Mail readers are mad for the Pussycat Dolls. 6/10

Kylie Minogue’s seal of approval sends sales of age-old skin lotion rocketing

I’m not sure how to rate this. On the one hand the picture of Kylie’s most famous asset is completely unwarrented. This is an article about her facial cream for frick’s sake. But at the same time, there are far better picture’s of Kylie’s arse floating around the internet. 5/10. Had the imagination but didn’t do enough with it

‘I don’t want Madonna arms’: Christine Bleakley stops pumping iron in the gym

Another disappointing attempt. The Mail have stayed faithful to the (non) story here. They haven’t got any glam photos of Ms Bleakley and instead make her look a bit, well, man-ish. 1/10

Fire up the Quattro! Heather Mills steps back to the Eighties at Arabia 3D premiere

To be honest I’m starting to get bored of these red carpet pictures. 1/10

How Lily Cole went from stunning to studious: From glam in Cannes to cardigan at Cambridge exam

A poor ending. Hot woman doesn’t look quite so hot in exam. Shock horror. I look like a traumatised Vietnam veteran in my exams. 2/10

Overall it’s been a disappointing day for Female readers. Only one nude women and two in bikinis, the rest being mainly red carpet dresses. Still, there’s always tomorrow.