Merlin the Magic Kapo

When Doctor Who isn’t on, the Beeb like to give us another Saturday night family fantasy program to keep us all amused. Robin Hood ended, or at least I hope it has, seeing as he died, so the current program of the season is Merlin.

For those who don’t know, Merlin is a modern adaptation of the Arthurian legend, of before he was Arthur’s companion and adviser, but when he was his servant. Or, as it comes across, bitch. Y’see, magic is frowned upon by King Uther, and so Merlin must hid his magic when saving Arthur’ pampered arse every two seconds. But for a light hearted family program, it creates a pretty poor job of making the good guys sympathetic. I’ve now decided to support the supposed “bad guys”, and here’s why.

1 – Arthur is a cunt. The future king of Camelot is an absolute wanker, there’s no way around it. When he isn’t showing off his pecks (which he does EVERY EPISODE) he’s being an arrogant dick. He’s the sort of pretty boy who thinks about himself when he wanks. But more importantly he treats the “hero”, Merlin, like shit. Despite the fact that Merlin does everything for him; cooks, cleans, jerks him off, he treats him in a manor I expect people treated their black slave in a 19th century sugar plantation. Arthur is meant to turn into a great and wise ruler, but he comes across as a stuck up, spoilt git.

2 – King Uther is a genocidal manic. As mentioned, Uther hates magic with a vengeance (after his wife died giving birth to a child conceived through magic) and the punishment for being magic is death. Uther actively hunts and murders every single person born with this ability. Now, think about this. Every single person born with a certain ability is murdered. Now lets change “magic” to “black” or “gay” or “Jew”. Uther hunts down and murders every single black person. Uther hunts down and murders every single homosexual. Uther hunts down and murders every single Jew. Yet, WE’RE SUPPOSED TO SUPPORT THIS BELLEND WHEN HE’S COMMITTING GENOCIDE. How many TV programs in support of Adolf Hitler have the BBC made? Moreover, Merlin risks his life to save Uther. That’s like a Jewish person continually risking his life to save Adolf Hitler, and then fighting the Jews who resist.

3 – The baddies are hot. Incredibly sexist, but a valid point.

Lady Morgana is breathtakingly beautiful, and, more importantly, doesn’t take shit from Uther. While Merlin is saving the ass of a guy who’d kill him the moment he revealed his true identity, Morgana thinks “fuck this” and decides to bring him down. You go girl!

4 – Merlin is a pussy. Ok, so this guy is an already powerful wizard, but is content to be Arthur’s bitch. What. A. Moron. Most normal people would use their power for good; sleeping with women, tripping over random old ladies in the street, making enough money to live in a drugged out stupor for the rest of their lives. Merlin uses his to save his own oppressors. The working classes has risen up against the type of humiliation he is forced to endure, and they don’t have fucking magic, so why can’t he?

The reason Merlin acts like he does is simple; he gets off on being dominated. This isn’t shown in the show, but when Merlin retires for the night he slips down his trousers and gentlely strokes the length of his organ while imagining being forced to lick the shit up off Arthur’s floor while being spanked for being a bad boy. Sadly though, this vital scene is cut out in the edit sweep.

So next time you watch Arthur, just sit back and enjoy the suffering Uther, Arthur and Merlin go through. Because they deserve it.