The Daily Masturbate – part 2

I’ve never really understood conservatives. I’m talking about the relatively sane conservatives, not the Tea Party movement in America or a comparatively batty equivalent. No, in Britain we have right wing conservatives, but they’re British right wing conservatives, which means they’re too polite to be too mental. Let’s face it, you’re not going to get Sir Anthony Wilson the Third complaining about what the proles study in school like the right do in America are you? But all the same, I’ve never really got my head around these contradictions.

One core tenant of conservatism is their traditional morality. So down with computer games, pornography and adultery, and up with family values, faithfulness and 60 year old whisky. But no-one quite likes sleazy pornography like conservatives. The Daily Mail is a great example of this. Conservative until the end, the Mail campaigns against this permissive society where children are taught about sex before the age of 35, and filth lines the screens of the idiot’s lantern. However, there is no newspaper that rejoices more in said filth than the Mail. Despite trying to give itself an image as a “quality” newspaper (whenever we have one of them tell me) the Mail still falls back to smut and garbage. So let’s have a look as this conservative moralism today, the 25th of May.

The Female section on the right hand side of the website is a good start. Let’s see how it progresses:

Cheeky Amanda Holden gives a glimpse of the derrière her husband had immortalised in a plaster cast

First link in and we have a picture of some ass. Nice. 6/10

Victoria Beckham shows off her tousled new bed-head bob at mobile phone party

A disappointing effort next. Plenty of moderately attractive women in dresses, but it would take some imagination to beat one out over that. 2/10

Rivalry, what rivalry? SJP steals show in hot lemon as Sex And The City stars dress up to the nines for world premiere of sequel

Another disappointing effort. Same as above. 2/10

Miley Cyrus sports a tiny polka dot bikini during a family break in Mexico with her country star father Billy Ray

Now this is more like it. Ticks all the boxes. Barely legal girl? Check. Tiny bikini? Check. Completely pointless? Definitely. 9/10

I’m so very sorry: Shamed Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson sobs as she apologises for letting people down

A valiant attempt to add a bit of spice to the story. Sadly Sarah Ferguson isn’t A) Attractive or B) Remotely naked in any photos, but the Mail do try and make things interesting by showing a picture of young women in skirts as they’re slightly related to Sarah Ferguson. 1/10, but a bonus point for trying, so 2/10

What’s this, the Garden of Eden? Naked woman in full bloom at Chelsea Flower Show (hope the Queen didn’t see)

Blimey, this is the jackpot. Naked women, but it’s “art” so the picture is justified. Get in the hole! 10/10. Also loving the “hope the Queen didn’t see” part. Well if she missed it I’m sure some irresponsible newspaper will show a picture to give her a second chance

Oversized funnyman James Corden stocks up on calories at McDonald’s after baring his belly in the park

Very poor effort. First they call James Corden a “funnyman”, which is scientifically inaccurate. Secondly there’s absolutely nothing to wank over. Third, there seems to be a women in a bikini in a later picture, yet they didn’t get a full frontal of her. The author must be new to the Mail. 0/10

Coronation Street star Samia Smith shows off toned post-baby body

I don’t think anything needs to be added here. 8/10

What’s new Pussycat? Nicole Scherzinger is joined by four new members as PCD unveils a brand new line-up

Some might say this is just another attempt to show attractive women in little clothing, but I have it on good authority that Daily Mail readers are mad for the Pussycat Dolls. 6/10

Kylie Minogue’s seal of approval sends sales of age-old skin lotion rocketing

I’m not sure how to rate this. On the one hand the picture of Kylie’s most famous asset is completely unwarrented. This is an article about her facial cream for frick’s sake. But at the same time, there are far better picture’s of Kylie’s arse floating around the internet. 5/10. Had the imagination but didn’t do enough with it

‘I don’t want Madonna arms’: Christine Bleakley stops pumping iron in the gym

Another disappointing attempt. The Mail have stayed faithful to the (non) story here. They haven’t got any glam photos of Ms Bleakley and instead make her look a bit, well, man-ish. 1/10

Fire up the Quattro! Heather Mills steps back to the Eighties at Arabia 3D premiere

To be honest I’m starting to get bored of these red carpet pictures. 1/10

How Lily Cole went from stunning to studious: From glam in Cannes to cardigan at Cambridge exam

A poor ending. Hot woman doesn’t look quite so hot in exam. Shock horror. I look like a traumatised Vietnam veteran in my exams. 2/10

Overall it’s been a disappointing day for Female readers. Only one nude women and two in bikinis, the rest being mainly red carpet dresses. Still, there’s always tomorrow.


I’m so angry I don’t know whether to hit someone or masturbate

One of my favourite topics: the Daily Mail!

I’m not going to lie, I love the Daily Mail. Despite a rabid hatred for right-wing opinion in general, there’s someone about the Daily Mail I just find… charming. While satirical channels such as Fox News accurately mock right-wing table-thumping, you can’t beat the real thing. Good old paranoid, Middle-England, bigotry.

The Mail doesn’t have a great history, I admit. That support for “Adolf The Great” and the Brown-shirts in the 1930s probably didn’t exactly improve their public image. Still, you can’t win everything. But there are certain things the Mail has been right about:

  • Foreigners have indeed stolen all of our jobs.
  • Speed cameras have killed more people than Chairman Mao
  • We live in a Communist dictatorship run by do-good liberals
  • Homosexuality has been scientifically linked to death
  • Richard Littlejohn does indeed have a little John.

However one issue the Mail hates is this damn permissive society. One where women go round in short skirts and those poor men can’t help but rape those vile temptresses. Their conservative family values don’t look highly upon sex education, infidelity or the “sexualisation” of our society. All of which makes the Mail a hilarious read, because it is second only to the Sun in amount of totty on display.

For example, in this review for “Secret Diary of a London Call Girl” the Mail looks down upon miss Piper’s activities, as well they might, the whore. But mixed in with all this moralising, is some quality wank material.

The opening picture is a good start

“In white lingerie and a pink robe, Belle is confident that she will soon remind him of what he has been missing.

Talking to camera, she says: ‘It’s so sad when they’re like that. Give me an hour with him, he’ll be a new man.’

But as the action hots up, Simon reveals he has a penchant for the farm yard – or rather pretending to be an animal.

He says: ‘Let’s do it like dirty dogs. You dirty cow. You little pig. You dirty, dirty, dirty goat.’”


Yes. Yes. Yes.

“Belle obliges him, replying: ‘I’m so dirty. I’m a goat. I’m a chicken. I’m a dirty ewe.’

In a scene which becomes increasingly humiliating, she has to fulfil the wish of her paying customer when he asks her to ‘bleat like a sheep’.”

Don’t stop. Don’t stop. You’re a dirty ewe. Yes, you’re a dirty yew

Come to bed: Belle lures her client to bed in her sexy lingerie

Ohhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhhh. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh.

The moment I read that article my initial reaction was something along the lines of “Damn I’ve got to see this.” They did one Hell of a job advertising the program (which, incidently, is definitely worth catching and not just for a quick knuckle shuffle)

So I don’t know what the Mail wants me to think. On the one hand they’re really not down with this kind of thing. No sir. But if that’s the case, why go in to such detail and show us the pictures? It’s like arguing against eating meat while holding a burger in front of someone’s face. Arguing against sex while tossing them off. It just doesn’t work, except to confuse me to masturbate furiously to expel my anger, which on reflection, is probably their aim. And one I salute.

Correcting Political Correctness

Putting these words down on the keyboard puts me in a dangerous position. Judging from society the job of defending “Political Correctness” is only beaten in the unpopularity stakes by Joseph Fritzl’s lawyer, just edging ahead of Robert Mugabe’s public image consultant. Most red-top newspaper readers have probably already been filled with rage at someone defending this vicious attack by minority groups to rule over us, as the poor, white middle-classes are destroyed by the fascist state who give all the power to the minorities who are feared so much etc. etc.

First of all it is important to understand what “Political Correctness” is. In the mind (sic.) of your stereotypical Daily Mail reader it is the transfer of power from white middle-classes to minority groups, especially the immigrants who come over here taking our jobs yadda yadda yadda.  These disgusting crimes committed against us have a general rule of reporting. Step one – Find a story at any cost. The favoured tactic here is the oldest trick in the media book; take a story horribly out of context. Take for example the “Baa Baa Black Sheep” story. One of the most infamous stories of “Political Correctness Gone Mad™”, the Express commented on this story by saying “One nursery school in Oxfordshire made children sing ‘Baa Baa Rainbow Sheep’ in the name of ‘equal opportunities’.” The story was covered by the usual crowd of shit stirring papers, the Mail, the Sun and the Mirror and soon the story passed into folk law. However one article from Private Eye seems to have gone unnoticed at the time, and I quote from the people behind the “offending” song “They sing happy, sad, bouncing, hopping, pink, blue, black and white sheep etc. This encourages the children to extend their vocabulary.” Strangely enough the papers failed to mention this, but why let the facts get in the way of a good story? The other way of inventing a story is to hear of a word being used to describe something in a different way. The best example of this is the use of the word chalkboard instead of blackboard. The papers heard about this change and jumped to the conclusion that it was changed to appease black people. In reality the change is in the language, with chalkboard being the American way of saying blackboard (as chalk is used on them…), fitting in with the rise of American phrases in our language, nothing to do with race but it fits in with the right’s agenda to pretend it is, and low and behold, ZOMG ITS POLITICAL CORRECTNESS GONE MAD™!!!!111!!! Next thing you know they’ll be banning our right to firebomb Muslims!!! In a previous edition of the magazine the “story” of Christmas being changed to Winter fest in Birmingham to appease minorities is taken out of context, as Winter Fest is just an advertising campaign. Its closer to Capitalism gone mad than “Political Correctness”. Add to the list of made-up stories the “you can’t say brainstorm because it’s offensive to epileptic” bullshit and it seems the four most famous examples of “Political Correctness Gone Mad™” are about as true as the rumour David Cameron is the father of his new child. So it turns out the story are non-entity, the first example being a method of improving children’s vocabulary and yet it was transformed into a story of hate, clear evidence of the media’s crusade to invent stories of “Political Correctness”. “You couldn’t make it up” the newspapers spout, well you can. And you have.

Abusing “Political Correctness” has become so commonplace that it has become a form of “Political Correctness” itself. Let’s actually face facts; “Political Correctness” doesn’t affect our lives in anyway, except idiots who claim to hate it enforcing it themselves. I’ll give an example: you’re in a lesson when you refer to “Brainstorming”. Apparently this is not allowed because of “Political Correctness”, yet I’ve never once been told by a figure of authority I can’t say it. I’ve sat in governmental meetings when it is used and no-one blinks an eye. But if you do it in a class, you are picked up on it. By your fellow students! “You can’t say that, it’s not Politically Correct”, “err, yes I can and no it isn’t. Fuck off.” The fact that the term is going to be published in ink here is evidence enough of the fact that you are allowed to say it. If people shut up about it for once it doesn’t make the slightest bit of difference. Yet the people who claim to get riled up about the topic, become the very people they claim to hate. That is the real “Political Correctness”, criticising “Political Correctness”.

While inventing stories of “Political Correctness” is always a good way of selling papers, it is worth noting how the term is used to discredit actual attempts at equality. The Daily Mail and similar papers are some of the last bastions of white, middle-class hegemony, and will viciously attack any attempts to break this hegemony. Any legislation brought in to give equal (key word here) rights to minorities receives the same screaming response of “Political Correctness Gone Mad™,” “Government gives power to minorities” and the like. Being white and middle-class is one of the most prosperous positions anyone can be in, it is quite obviously easier to get jobs, education, and money if you are in this section of society, and yet people will complain when there are attempts to reduce the social divide. Anyone who seriously thinks that minorities have it easier than the white, middle classes is an idiot. Some attempts of positive discrimination may be misguided but ultimately they are designed to give equal rights to minorities, not for them to rule over us. The fight against “Political Correctness” is in essence the fight to retain the hegemony of the white middle class.

Ultimately decisions will be made by any party that will confound and bewilder people, but that’s life, deal with it. When it comes down to the crunch, “Political Correctness” does not affect your life, at least as long as you don’t let it. Getting worked up over tiny and insignificant details is ultimately pointless, and frankly there are far more important things in the world than this. And maybe, just maybe, people might find getting rid of racism is actually a good thing.

A version of this article was originally published in Caterham School’s Preview magazine.