Blair’s Good Deed

There are some things you just don’t want to come back. The bubonic plague, Black Lace, flared trousers. On this list, at the very front, there’s one absolute wanker we don’t want back under any circumstances. An exception might be made should he be returned in chains, in the stocks, or have his head stuck on a spike on Tower Bridge, but otherwise it is safe to say that people do not want Tony Blair back.

Yet he returns. Fresh from his role as “Middle-East Peace Envoy” (I know) he comes back to plug his new autobiography. Naturally the 700 page epic doesn’t shirk away from the key issues; Blair sticks to his guns in defending his invasion of Iraq. Yet he does give on one surprising issue; the fox-hunting ban.

Blair’s reason is that “[b]y the end of it, I felt like the damn fox.” Sadly he hasn’t met the same end as the fox yet, although there is still time.

Yet the ban on hunting with dogs is one aspect of Blair’s reign that we should celebrate. I mean, it’s not as if he has much going for him, so why on earth give up on the good bits?

But I revisit the issue of fox-hunting for another reason; we’ve got chickens! Here are a few pictures of the birds;

They see me rolling

Haters gonna hate

I are serious chicken

Sadly with chickens comes risk; the fox. Such vermin, despite their ginger exterior, have hearts of the deepest evil. A fox, unlike many other predators, doesn’t only kill for food; it kills because it can. Such vicious animals put my beloved chickens at great risk. And it is for this reason I support the ban.

Opponents of the ban have two important arguments. 1) That foxes are vermin that endanger livestock. 2) That the ban has increased the number of foxes killed. Indeed according to the Countryside Alliance “[t]he impact of the Hunting Act has actually been that more foxes, deer and hares are being killed.”

These two arguments are given separately, yet when you consider them together, the argument flips on its head. It is a sweet, sweet irony that the fox hunting ban has benefited the opponents of the ban. If foxes are vermin who slaughter livestock, and the ban has reduced the number of foxes, then logically the hunting ban has benefited the rural community. Of course when you understand this it is only a short step to realising that fox-hunting is yet another form of animal cruelty, alongside cock fighting and bear baiting. But I don’t care about that issue, all I care about is my chickens, and the simple fact is my chickens are safer thanks to Tony Blair. So, thank you, Tony.

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The hunting ban? It’s like fascism, but worse.

Britain faces a serious threat ladies and gentleman. No, it isn’t those nutty towel-heads in Iran. No, it isn’t global warming and the invasion of the mutant polar-bears. No, it isn’t even the shifty looking foreign family who just moved next door to your Daily Mail reading grandparents. It’s the fascists in power trying to prevent us from hunting foxes. The bastards.

Yes, it’s the time when the Tories are about to get back into power, and sod the economy, we need to get hunting again, because that’ll sort this shit right out. It’s no secret the rural base of the Conservative party would like only one thing better than repealing the hunting ban and that’s Margaret Thatcher wearing nothing other than a dog collar and a smile that says “privitise this”. David Cameron has made it perfectly clear  he supports the repeal, although he says he’ll offer a “free vote” on this issue. However, what a “free vote” means in a Conservative dominated Parliament is a sure-fire repeal. The current Conservative base overwhelming would vote in favour, including 119/120  in safe seats, showing the overwhelming public support for the ban  is unlikely to mean much to the Tories.

So, it seems like fox hunting will return, huzzah! Jeeves, get father’s top champers, that’s spiffing old chap. Now, let’s go chase a fox through the country and laugh when it is torn apart by dogs. But what is funny about this “debate” is the arguments put forward by the pro-hunting lobby.

So let’s look at them.

1 – It’s part of our culture. Yeah baby, who cares if it’s bloodthirsty and horrific, we’ve been doing it for decades, so clearly it can’t be bad. While we’re at bringing back cultural pastimes, I put in a vote for slavery. I’m quite thirsty at the moment, and would love to have a slave on hand to get my brew for me.

2 – Damn townies don’t know shit about our hood – Yeah, it’s easy to complain about what we do FROM THE SAFETY OF YOUR OWN HOME. BUT YOU’RE NOT OUT THERE, LIVING WITH FOXES. WE CAN’T GO OUT OUR HOUSES WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING ATTACKED BY FOXES et cetera. The only reason for opposition to hunting is those arrogant city types, looking down their noses at us just because we kill animals for fun, and wear tweet, and shag our sisters.

3 – Foxicide now – They eat our chickens, damage our property; sleep with our wives, therefore the only way to deal with them is killing them in a brutal fashion so they learn their lesson. Everyone knows animals think like that.

4 – Its good for the foxes  – Major point this. The real reason for hunting isn’t fun, but actually because it’s a vital part of our livelihood and actually better for the foxes. After all, more foxes are killed since the ban  because they are just shot instead of hunted.

However this raises a bizarre thought: The fox hunting ban has BENEFITTED farmers. Yes, that’s right. The very people who campaigned against the ban, actually benefitted from it. Using their logic, more nasty foxes are since the ban. Ergo, foxes have done less damage. Ergo, farmers benefit.

So in my humble opinion, the hunting ban should be kept, because this benefits the rural economy.

5 – If we ban hunting foxes, then why do we do nasty things to animals? While we ban hunting foxes, no-one complains about battery chickens. Yep, no-one  at all campaigns about that. Which clearly shows this is class bias. (N.B.) Some ginger revolutionaries claim the hatred of fox hunting above other methods of animal cruelty is just a symptom of the inherent gingerphobia in society, however here at the Ginger Revolution we deny that foxes are our brothers.

6 – Class bias – Those fucking proles. They’re angry that we fucked them royally in the 80s, so this is their revenge. We destroyed the lives of millions of people, pushed them into poverty and stole their dignity. But as revenge they took away one of our hobbies. The bastards.

7 – The hunting ban is like fascism, but worse. The government has stripped our civil liberties, thrown us into unwinnable and illegal conflicts, and done its best to limit democracy, but the real scary descent into Soviet Russia is the hunting ban. The ban is “fundamentally illiberal” and has “no place in a modern, tolerant and free society” according to The Countryside Alliance.  So there we have it, the final blow to liberty, a ban on slaughtering animals for fun. Goodbye freedom, hello oppression, all because we can’t chase and tear apart animals.